Friday, January 16, 2015

The Next Thing.


How many seasons of life do we wait for or in? 
Waiting in those hard seasons makes it feel extra long, like you are taking forever to get to your "destination" 
We wait for, jobs, promotions, children, more children, adoption, marriage, school, dating, to lose weight, to get married, houses... the list goes on and on. So many things we feel like we should have right now, or get and then we wait. "The Hurry up and wait scenario..."

I have always been an impatient person, I want what I want and I want it now. Hahah wow that sounds so selfish. But its the truth. 

I remember being 16 and could not wait to graduate, because it was the "next big thing" in my life. Then after graduation I was soooo ready to meet an amazing man and get married...again it was the next stage of life. Then it was to buy a house, and then it was to start a family, and now it is wanting to get this baby girl out of very big belly. Next is to buy another house. 
Why cant I be content where I am? Why is it so important to me to have the next thing now? 

My goal, or whatever you would like to call it, is to live in the moment, the season. To absorb what today is, not what tomorrow can be. To love the mundane the everyday, because its the foundation to the tomorrows. I want to be present in this day (even if its boring- lets face it some days are super long and boring) 
The next chapter in my life will be great, but I do not want to miss this one, because even in this very crazy and challenging season I am in, soon to have 2 under 2 in a one bedroom house, figuring out what our next step is and that everyday feels like a battle field of cheerios on the floor, the toys that just jump out of toy boxes that you just picked up , the crying, the instruction I give my almost 2 year old every day and she run the other way...the rice that sticks to every surface of the house, no matter how many times I sweep, the same movie " the late nights , the early mornings, the reheated coffee cup I find in the microwave from yesterday... TRENCHES people. 
But to find the beauty in it, because I know in my heart that it will go fast and I WILL MISS IT. No matter what season we are in, no matter how hard, how long we have been in it, or how much longer we will be there, the goal is to start new everyday and find the peace and joy. 

The Little moments. First Bowling Experience 

Happy Friday Friends!!!

Thursday, January 8, 2015

The Facts 101

Getting Real.

1. I am your typical first born child. I am bossy controlling organized 

2. I love music. I listen to some kind all day long.On the opposite side of that, I have no musical talent but would love to play the piano or sing. 

3. I am super competitive. I get that from both sides of my family. its in my blood. I yell, I cheer loud, I get upset when my team looses, I hate when people talk smack about my team. I love sports. I played Basketball for 1 season (in 6th Grade) and then I retired...three reasons, 1) I have no ability to dribble the ball and run at the same time...I can do those things separate just fine.. but don't ask me to do them together. 2) I scored ONE basket in my life time....and it was in the other teams basket, who knew it changed sides after half time?!!? (again I was young people!) 3) I tend to lean towards anger and when people "steal" the ball or "block" my pass, I get this URGE to push them down or punch them and well that doesn't really work in life or basketball.. so it was better this way. ONE AND DONE!

4. I love Running. Its a part of me and has been for a lot of years now. Its my outlet to a bad day, or stress, its more then just running its about becoming a better me, physically, mentally and spiritually out there. I worship, I pray , I talk , BUT please don't think its all fun and games out there, I am competitive (see above) to a fault and push myself and "encourage " myself to run further and faster. 

5.   I am a Disney Freak. I mean I LOVE Disneyland . I would go every year,I would have a yearly pass. I have been to Disneyland 6 times and feel like its not enough. I can not wait to take my girls and (all the future children) to the best place every!

6. I think like most moms I struggle with " Mom Guilt" ... the never making it, or reaching it, BUT what is "IT" ??
 I feel like myself and other moms put this unattainable goal of what a mom looks like or acts like," someone who has it all put together, all the time." and we try so hard to reach it and then get discouraged when we don't. BUT I am learning that we are created differently we all come into parenthood with different skill sets and abilities and being a mom is not a competition its a lifestyle and becoming comfortable in Who you are as a woman and as a mom. 

7. I struggled with Postpartum Depression after My first daughter (Reagan) was born. I couldn't nurse,  that was strike one. She had bad Acid Re-flux and the formula situation was a hot mess, which means I was a hot mess , nothing worked. strike 2. I pretended i wasn't sad , that I had it "all together" I pushed myself to "come back" after pregnancy in full force, not accounting that my life had forever changed, that it wasn't just ME anymore. Strike 3. My case was not as bad as some, but it was there. I pretended it wasn't, i lied to myself and to my husband and held in the tears and fears and the constant mind battle of feeling guilty for having PPD , which is so backwards and twisted. Finally after about 6 months I told my midwife at a doctor apt. I broke down and cried. She sat with me for 50 minutes. We made a game plan to get back to "normal" or at least a new normal with baby. i wrote out simple things like 
1. Go on a walk with Reagan
2. Don't feel bad for going for a run. its good for you!
3. Go on a date with just tom once a month
4. Go out once a month with friends (with out baby) 
5. ASK FOR HELP if I need it with Reagan and not to feel bad about it.

And it worked, by 8 months i felt like myself again, I stopped putting the pressure and guilt on. I am so thankful for people who invested in my life and my daughters during that hard time and thankful the Lord brought me through stronger. 

Being a mom is messy, lets face it, being a human is messy!!
 we have bad days, we have good days, we get emotional and worked up over small things,  we should put our-self in time outs more then we would like to admit. We make mistakes.
 I am thankful for Gods Grace that is new every morning. And that EVERY day I wake up to a new and fresh start, to do it different, to make different choices. To be a good mom, and love my husband, daughter, family , friends more then I did yesterday.



Sunday, January 4, 2015

Rocking in the new year.

My name is Nicole. 
I am a Type A personality, I am a planner, a goals and list kind of girl. I like, no I LOVE to be organized and prepared. I am a tad on the OCD side, and I am okay with that. 

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with our second baby, another little girl. And with this pregnancy I have been so calm, so relaxed, and just laid back, not a care in the world....this is not me.  I can not make a decision to save my life, nothing feels right or sounds right. Not a type of couch I wanted to purchase, or where or what I want to eat, I have no desire to pack my hospital bag (I packed my bag at 30 weeks with my first, I was ready to go!) BUT the worst, np NAME for our daughter. I have changed my list of names, about 15 times, taken names off, put them back on, changed the middle name, hated it....its still all up in the air.

I plan and prepare what birth will be like and who will be there , what i will be wearing, i visualize what it will take to get to the hospital and be prepared with our stuff and everything in its place, so I can focus on the goal ahead. ... See OCD. 

Well December 31st i woke up with flu like symptoms , was having tons of braxton hicks through out the day. Headache, and all the bathroom fun stuff that comes with the flu, back pain ,not the back pain of pregnancy , no this was labor back pain, We went and celebrated the New Years with a few close friends, stayed up till midnight (not sure how) but I felt terrible. New years day just got worse. around 5pm my Husband suggested I call our midwife and ask what she thinks. They suggested I come in to get hydrated, get some fluids in my body to help stop the "braxton hicks" i was having. You know when you just know you dont feel right, like something is wrong....that is how i felt. But I am so worried about being "the girl who cried wolf" that I ignore how i feel sometimes.

we headed into Labor and delivery around 7 . they put us in an out patient room , hooked me up to monitors, babies heart rate was great, she is a warrior this one! but my "braxton hicks" were actually real contractions. And they were getting closer together.
my tests came back and i wasn't dehydrated , they were not sure what started this at this point, BUT I was progressing.

Around 11pm we were informed that if there was more change we would be sent in an ambulance to a bigger hospital that had a NICU because I was in full labor and baby was coming. I was 34 weeks and 5 days. our hospital does not deliver there until 36 weeks, when babies don't need a NICU. 

As she was saying all of this, it was a surreal experience, my lack of planning ......we had nothing with us or even packed at home, no name, it was too early, she is so small, her lungs , leaving her in NICU while I go home , an ambulance ride is so expensive. 
So many emotions and thoughts flooding my mind, a simple prayer of "God protect my baby" I knew HE was in charge and in control, and then i felt peace. 

Thank the Lord there was no change as far as dilating is concerned. So no transfer at this point. we got a room and stayed for 24 hours being monitored , contractions real and there but for now she is staying put. And I was put on semi bed rest/ pelvic rest to try and keep contractions down and baby girl in for at least one more week. Having an almost 2 year old is impossible to stay down, any mom knows that, having any kid any age means you are on call around the clock. Food, drinks, snacks, diaper changes, house cleaning, laundry....its a fine line for me finding the balance between doing too much and not taking care of the baby in my belly and doing too little and not taking care of Reagan. 7 more days...I can do this, with the Lords help. 

Needless to say we came home and packed, we purchased a few items we needed and are ready for her , still no name...but at least we will have clothes to wear in the hospital . (priorities right)

So here is to staying low and cooking this little one, getting her fattened up so she can come home with us! 


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