When it doesn't feel like love.

"though she be but little, she is fierce."

This is a hard post for me, I have debated and waited for weeks, I didn't want people to see the ugly, the pain, the hurt...but exposing those things is what brings healing and truth to situations. We are all in this journey of life together. 


When my Finley was born I was so grateful for a healthy baby, and to not be pregnant. Our hospital stay was short, we rushed home so we could be back with our Reagan. Days into having 2 kids under 2 it started to get hard. Tom left for a 10 day business trip at just 5 days PP. The next few days went in a blur, between my 22 month old learning to share me, to being up all night with what was becoming a very colicy newborn who projectile vomited around the clock, night sweats and hormones I was what you would call ...... a hot mess.

Tom came home, I thought it all would get easier and become normal again, I was wrong. Breastfeeding was becoming harder, she was screaming all the time, she wouldn't sleep longer then 30 min, and was up all hours of the night. We were told my milk was not coming in enough. She was basically starving. So we started supplementing at every bottle. I was only making less then half an ounce at this point. Lactation appointments were not helping... 
By the end of one month, i was done breastfeeding, you know when you try everything humanly possible and you still feel like its not enough....that's how it felt. I was pumping, taking supplements, vitamins, more of this food, less of this, went on prescription medication to help produce milk, pumping after every feeding, increased my pumping,increased my water more then I already was drinking..... I was done.

She went on a special formula for sensitive stomachs, the kind of formula you have to take money out of their college savings account to pay for .
Still no relief from crying. Crying around the clock. screaming. mind numbing , makes you want to put ear plugs and hide under the blankets, crying.

She was diagnosed with acid reflux and went on medicine.
Still the screaming continued.

she went and had a ultrasound done at just a 5 weeks old to make sure her esophagus was working properly, they also looked at her intestines, they were perfect.

She was diagnosed with sever GERD.

I called the doctor about every other week and informed them NOTHING was working.

Sure we had some good feedings, but 80% of them were brutal. I had to hold my baby down while she twisted, and screamed, and choked and spit milk at me, I cried, she cried, I handed her to Tom, he tried.... and then she would arched her back, would flip herself sideways, turn red, spit it out, choke, cough, gag, puke. we were lucky if we could get her to drink an ounce. Some days we feed her with a medicine syringe, 5 ML's at a time. 

Feedings which happened 6 times a day, took on average 45 minutes - 1 hour those minutes were  brutally agonizing and stressful.

Its funny to write.. "it was hard" because it doesn't begin to describe the emotions the feelings the tears. The incredible dark and isolated place I was in. I gained a new respect for moms and dads who have a colic baby. The crying you hear around the clock is enough to make a person go mad. 


We didn't let her lay flat, we let her sleep in the swing, in the car seat, in an elevated bed, we tried grip water, colic drops, we were then told to add rice to every bottle, we changed bottles, and nipples, we upped her medicine, we changed EVERYTHING and with no avail, she still screamed and would not eat. Sure she was gaining weight, slowly but at what cost...torture. 

 At about month 3 her screaming was normal now, that didn't make it easier but I just became the mom with a high maintenance baby. I stopped going places, I stayed home. It was easier then having people stare at you while you force your baby to drink milk, with their judging glare, or what appeared to be disapproval of holding your newborn down with that much force. Or their very polite "tips" and suggestions. 
 I was done.

 All the comments and /random strangers would say:

"have you tried this?"  
"they say...." 
"this too shall pass"
"it will get easier"
"my baby had acid reflux and we got nothing for it back in the day, you are    lucky!" 

and lets be honest I felt like punching some of them. Not because I didn't like them or because I didn't want their advice, but because no mom in the trenches, knee deep , in over her head, barely is holding it together wants to hear she is "lucky" I didn't feel lucky, I felt trapped. I didn't feel like a grateful mom, I didn't feel like a loving mom.
I felt like a bad mom, which resulted in being a bad wife, I was tired beyond imaginable, mentally exhausted, physically drained. 
Love was hard. Being a mom was hard. Day after day the screaming, the waking up after sleeping for only 30 min at EVERY NAP and every NIGHT was frustrating. I felt like I was loosing my mind.
 I was. 
And in fact it didn't feel like love, it felt like just making sure she was surviving. Making sure I spent time with Reagan and Tom and there was nothing left. 

The thing is, its okay to feel like that, you are not a bad mom, LOVE IS A CHOICE not a feeling. 

I had a few people in my life who knew the extent of what was going on , who were and are an amazing support and prayer warriors, who would let me call and cry or text and vent. who offered to take the girls for me. I am so grateful for them, who partnered with me in some of the hardest days of my life as a mom. 

After being told she can not have any higher dose of medicine, I told Tom, enough is enough. I cant and wont do this anymore, there is something wrong. I am going to try every homeopathic way, every way in my ability to help her, if the doctors wont.
 She went on Probiotics, we got a Hazelwood necklace, we were ordering essential oils, I was reading into infant chiropractic , possibly going on goats milk, I mean anything at this point that could help, I was going to try.

The Lord is so good, and he never leaves, He never forsakes us, He gives us this "mothers intuition" not by accident but to help us fight for our babies, to help us make it through these times of trouble. He listens to our prayers, our cries, our on our knees begging for wisdom. And He moves, He is stirred by our prayers.

Through what is totally a miracle in my life, I got connected with lady who started asking me questions, and then she sent me a link about "Tongue Tie and Lip Ties"
and as I sat on my living room floor reading this condition, sobbing my eyes, holding my toddler who was asking if I was okay, and a screaming baby, I knew.
 My Finley had this. It was an Answer. The first sign of relief I have had since the day I got home from the hospital 3 months ago. 

 I held Finley and as she screamed in my arms at trying to drink, she looked at me and I finally knew and It broke my heart, and where tough and hard love was it was replaced with a tenderness, a grace, a mending of my heart. I held my baby and cried, cried happy and exhausted, grateful tears.

One week later we saw two specialist. one which made me cry all the way home out of frustration, out of anger and pain, who treated my daughter like a number and not a baby. I left with no answers, and was told to consult my pediatrician. 

I couldn't give up, I called the other specialist who was booked for the next month, I was told 4 different times and 3 emails that there was no open appointments. But I kept calling and by God's grace he squeezed me in. 
We sat there in his office and for the first time I had someone on my side, we chatted, he took notes, he asked about breast feeding for both my girls, he looked at the whole story. And as he examined her he told me what I now knew, she wasn't drinking properly , she was sucking so much air in every gulp that she was in pain, all the time. Not because of acid but because of air. That breast feeding didn't work because she couldn't suck. The medicine didn't work because she didn't have acid reflux. Nothing we were doing worked because it wasn't that we were doing things wrong. 

He clipped her tongue , and we started the healing process. We have had some really good days and some hard days, its been 4 weeks of tongue exercises, of stretching her tongue around the clock, making sure it doesn't heal back together. 
It's been like having a newborn all over again who is learning to suck and drink properly, how to sleep. But we started seeing improvement. It was hope, it was grace, it was relief. 

There are days where she screams still at being feed, I can not hold her in my arms, she panics and screams, those days I am a complete mess, that scream takes me back to those Very dark days I lived. It takes me back faster then I would like to admit. The pain, the sorrow of wishing my newborn days away, are still very close to the surface. If I talk to anyone about this journey we have been on , I am instantly in tears, I am still guilty of the torture I put my baby through (although necessary, still a hard reality), the times I yelled, I yelled at a newborn to stop crying, the anger I had of never being able to go out with my husband because I couldn't leave Finley with anyone. Those feelings...they are real, they are fresh, they still hurt. But on those days, I call my sister and my friends and we pray. They talk me off the edge. It helps me see that HIS mercies are new, that HE brought us out, He saved the day. I am healing, we are healing.

I am thankful for my Finley, who is a warrior, who has overcome so many obstacles already, the saying "though she be but little, she is fierce." could not be more true of my girl. 

The part that makes me smile through it all is that she makes me fierce, she makes me be brave and stand up to the doctors and search out truth, she makes me a warrior. 

One friend called me months ago, and as I sat crying in the middle of a hazelnut field, completely alone, in a hurt so big and deep, I never thought it would be filled, she told me:

  "He made her a warrior and gave her to you, so that you could be a warrior too." 

Lets be strong, and help each other through these challenging times. No matter what the situation is how deep that hurt or pain is, there is light, there is hope. 

Brand new Finley

After her Tongue tie procedure 

                       How we have to feed Finley now, every feeding. 

                          These were some hard and challenging times  Nicole 

A Birth Story.

Finley Isabel,

My sweet, beautiful Finley. Your birth was perfect, your entrance into the world was peaceful and calm and so right.
When we found out you were in my belly, we were beyond thrilled. Baby Brittingham was coming and joining our sweet Reagan. we found out the end of May, and had to keep a big secret for awhile. I was really sick morning , noon and night with you, which is a great sign of a healthy pregnancy. But in June, I started to have some pain, some really bad cramping and intense "buckle over in pain" cramps. I called my doctor and they told me it was "normal" stretching of my belly. I went up to Seattle to see our family and things got worse, I was scared and away from home, and didn't know what to do. I called the doctor again and they told me that I might be loosing you. It was so hard and scary, but nothing they could do...so we prayed.
Three days later I was on my way home in so much pain but you were still with us. By the next morning things were bad , Daddy took us to the ER because the doctor wanted to check if my appendix was okay and if you were still in my belly. As we waited in the Emergency room for what felt like days, we prayed.
 
As they hooked me up to monitors and machines, and took my blood to the lab, and pushed on my stomach and asked me millions of questions, they were skeptical of you. After ultrasounds later that night we saw you in my belly a perfect little baby the size of a blueberry. we couldn't hear your heart yet although it was beating, we knew you were there. They kept me in the hospital and began to prepare me for a possible appendectomy. They informed us that I had swelling and fluid in my abdomen and that they were 80% sure it was my appendix , but couldn't be 100% because they couldn't do a CAT scan due to being pregnant, so they were going in blind. They informed us that , if we did the surgery the chances of a little 8 week old baby would be not be good, that you might not make it through surgery in my belly, the doctors talked and discussed, and we prayed. 

They left us alone in the room and daddy turned on my favorite song and we prayed, we sang, we cried, we worshiped.
The doctors decided to wait to do surgery, I was in so much pain all night and at 2am I sobbed,, I needed medicine but couldn't have any, Daddy laid his hands on my belly and instantly my pain went away, my stomach stopped hurting. The doctors were shocked. BUT we were not.
You were meant to live!

 we found out that the sack that carried you in my belly had ruptured and that I needed to take some vitamins to keep you healthy and growing. The medicine made me super sick for the entire month of June and July. But you were alive, healthy and growing.  

A WARRIOR . A FIGHTER . A MIRACLE .

At 34 weeks you tried to come, it was early, too early. They talked about sending us to a big hospital with a NICU to help you once you were born. We prayed.
The doctors kept us over night and monitored your heart and my contractions.

The next day they sent us home on bed rest for 2 weeks. It was a hard but sweet two weeks of being home with you kicking in my belly and your sister reading and playing with me. you stayed put until 39 weeks and 2 days!
It was Superbowl Sunday and I felt funny, I felt done being pregnant , and growing impatient to kiss your sweet cheeks. I went in and got checked during the superbowl thinking my water had broken, and even though the doctors said it didn't I truly believe it had started to leak. I came home and was in pain, and the contractions started. I was up most of the night, I took a shower and washed my hair (I needed to look good for when you came), but by 7 am the contractions faded out. I ran 2 miles on the treadmill and then we went to Aunt Cassi's house and while sitting in her house the contractions stated again, but this time they hurt, and they were close together. We made cookies, I breathed through contractions, I sat on the birthing ball and contracted, she asked if I was okay, I smiled and said yes, we ate lunch I was I pretending I wasn't in labor, she knew better!!!
Around 11:30 I was so uncomfortable I left, in the 10 min it took me to get home, I had three contractions that took my breath away. I decided to call your dad, who instantly asked if I had talked to my doctor. I was in denial. I said no, I had been having contractions for weeks this was not it.....DENIAL .
By 12:30 my contractions were 2-3 min apart and I was in pain and in rout to the hospital. Still thinking they were going to send me home because I was not in labor yet. we got there and they told me I was not far enough along, and had me walk the hallways.
we walked.....and walked. I made your dad do stairs with me, we did 15 sets of stairs, and lunges through the hallways, and yes people looked at us like we were crazy, but I was not going to be sent home.....
About 45 min later my contractions were 1 min apart and I could bearly make it back to the room. The nurse checked me and said I hand progressed but not enough, and my water hadn't broke (it did) and to wait for the doctor, and as she said that the doctor came in and saw 2 big contractions and said "you are staying and your water broke, you are in labor, lets have a baby" my heart was over joyed. YOU WERE COMING!!!!
We figured out you were facing the wrong way (Sunnyside up) ouch for back labor. your Nana and Dad laid hands on my belly and told you to flip, 30 min later on my hands and knees you flipped, we heard you on the monitor moving, it was amazing.
It was about 7pm you Auntie was on her way , nana went to the store and my contractions were getting worse, still about 1 min apart. I stood, I walked, I breathed through and fought through the pain, because you were coming. I just kept thinking this is happening so fast, I was in labor with Reagan for 2 days, but what if this takes 2 days, I cant keep this up.
you Auntie got there and rubbed my legs and they checked me I was at a 5 around 8:30ish,  I got into the bath tub to help ease the pain, I was in there for about 10 min and I felt the need to push. but I was not going to tell anyone because I wanted pain meds, I mean if I was only at a 5 I can not keep this up with out them, I asked for a shot of medicine, they had me get out of the tub and by the time I got back into bed I wanted an epidural, the pain was unbelievable, I had never had real contractions before (with Reagan I had Pitocin , to help start labor and never progressed and then got an epidural) this was intense.
By the time the anesthesiologist came I needed to push so bad, but again I said nothing ( I wanted the meds, one day you will understand )  , there is no way I was at a  10 It had only been about 50 mins since they said I was a 5!!! They gave me the meds and it didn't work, I could move and I was shaking and felt everything, the anesthesiologist told them to check because she knew I needed to push. we shared a secret smile, she knew and understood.
I was at a 10 and it was time.

A few details I remember at that moment I never want to forget, it was like time stood still for a few minutes for me to take it all in.

-your Auntie praying
-your daddy looking at me and smiling ,we high fived and kissed and then said "lets do this"
-your nana standing by my side
-taking a deep breath and knowing my life was about to change, that I was going to meet this beautiful little girl who fought in my belly to live, who God had protected and who has such a future ahead of her
-hearing that your mema was waiting for you outside

even now I tear up remembering those few things.

You came 15 min later, I watched you come, I helped you out , your nana and auntie and Dad all saw you , and your beautiful dark hair and big cheeks . You my dear were perfect.  you were what I dreamed about, a dark haired little girl, all 6 pounds 13 ounces of you.
The meds never took affect, but it didn't matter, you came out and as you laid on my chest with your pouty little lip and looked around the room, you whined and blew bubbles just like your sister did, you looked so much like her but so much like your own little person too. My heart doubled in size . The rest of the night went so fast, I couldn't wrap my  mind around the fact that you came, and fast, and we held you in the quite room after nana, mema and your auntie Noelle left, just me you and daddy, we took our time figuring out your name, our sweet girl, and we knew it was:

Finley- which means, Warrior
Isabel - pledged to God

                                                        the day I went into labor

 

 

 

      * My camera was having a hard time taking pictures, and the low lighting didn't help, but I am so grateful I have these, even if they are grainy I have my birth pictures. :)

I am head over heels in love with you Finley. I think every mom asks
"how can you love another baby like you love your first?!" and the answer is easy, your love doesn't fade for your first to make room for the new one, it grows, it double in size. you are so loveable and calm, and easy. you love to cuddle and be next to us . You love your sister already so much, if you hear her talking you find her in the room. you my baby are our perfect little gift.
I will love you forever!
"on the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you, life will never be the same , because there has never been anyone like you, ever in the world."  -Nancy Tillman


your
Mama.